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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in GR's LiveJournal:

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    Friday, April 28th, 2006
    12:01 pm
    Concerning the word "Grope"
     Revenge is sweet.

    But so is being manhandled by a beautiful woman at the library.

    She insists on getting me hard in front of God and everyone, laughing merrily as I struggle for something resembling proper english.

    And some stupid negroids keep blasting thier shitty jungle music on their goddamn cellphones. Get a stereo for god's sake.

    Ah, the cock has finally calmed down. (she feigns innocence) But I know better. Sexual deviant. Yeah you.

    What sucks the most about being in a halfway house is you cannot find -anywhere- to fuck. EVER.

    Either some dirty old man harasses you when your pants are down in the back of a parkinglot, or she's too chicken to do it in her parents bedroom. :)

    *smack*

    So yeah, I have smokes, money, a gorgeous woman at me side, arrrr. I'll be plunderin' tha booty soon enough, mateys.

    Hm. The sight of her tongue makes me think "bad" thoughts. :D

    And another thing, I hate stupid fat old people with the bad taste and social ineptitude to present themselves in front of me. Get me my Ruger. *turns off safety*













    Fuck you.
    Friday, April 21st, 2006
    11:01 am
    I probably hate you.
     I loathe computer nerds.
    My roommate in the place I'm situated is the standard obese, video game loving, wapanese fanboy. He smells like an unwashed scrotum, never bathes, wears the same clothes every day, stains the sheets yellow, and is quite possibly the most detestable human being I've met in some time. But he's actually a pretty nice guy, just... revolting.

    The other one in the house, whom an old friend named "Truffleshuffle", managed to start showering once we all ganged up on him and threatened to break his laptop if he didn't start showering regularly...

    This kid is the most shallow fucking piece of dogshit I have -ever- fucking met. THE FUCKING SHITHEAD STILL SUCKS HIS THUMB. He's 18 for god's sake. He has the barely mentionable gall to act superior around us because he knows computers and how to hack. Whoopie shit, fuckhead. I'll take a magnet to your hard disk and gleefully slaughter any access to the pathetic excuse for a social life you so cherish. Fuck you.

    His girlfriend is fat, ugly, and a bitch. I think they suit eachother. I have half a mind to break his leg once I get out of there.

    I hate anime, too. Well, most of it. To be concise, I have no problem with anime or manga -itself-, just the stunningly weak fans which so obsess on it. We should turn off the internet, television, and satellite dishes, make these pukes go to fat camp, and try to get a partner. We've become a generation of slovenly, media crazed shitbags.

    If it weren't for my horrible immune system, I'd say fuck civilization. Living in the remote wilderness of Alaska would be -heaven-. I just recently read a book, whose author I can't recall who did just that... but that was 50 years ago. Man is killing nature with amazing speed. Fucking jackasses.
    Tuesday, April 18th, 2006
    3:01 pm
    >:p
     Man. I love wearing wifebeaters. They're just so goddamn comfortable. Also the fact that I look -awesome- in them. Hah.

    1/2 an hour late for work. Whatever. I think I'm setting course for an apathetic next couple of weeks. Full speed ahead. Going to dive into books, chill with Samantha at her insistence... I'm at a point where I'm not even remotely pursuing a relationship, yet I do enjoy her company.

    Interesting that I'm attracted to my absolute opposite.

    I miss drugs. Alot. I'd love to blow a couple 8balls, drink a 5th, and smoke a fuckton of grass right now. I refuse to, of course. 1. I'm broke. 2. Look what it did for me last time. 3. See number 1.

    I need a hobby or something to keep me occupied. You can only work out so much before your muscles turn to rubber and you pass out from exhaustion. Been doing that for about a week now. The dull ache in my back and arms is slowly fading now. Great. I'm in killer shape but I'm dirt poor, in a shelter, and totally worthless. Go me.

    I'm thinking: Stay in the shelter for a year, save cash. Then move into one of the sponsored apartments. 300-320$ a year. Also by them I'd fucking better have a job that doesn't involve fast food, pays considerably better, and has insurance.

    Tenative plans. Plans usually amount to moot in the end, but once again, I say "Whatever." I find it more and more difficult to concern myself with anything these days. Atrophy of the mind. Killer.

    Maybe I should buy a bike. Don't know.

    I keep repeating myself in these entries. I should find a way to add something interesting to my life.
    Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
    1:41 pm
    Stolen from Joel
     MEME.......STOLEN FOR GREAT JUSTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!!!!!!!!!!
    -begin:-
    spell your first name backwards]- Nats
    the story behind your username]- Schwein? German for Pig. I think the name suits me.
    how old?]- 23
    where do you live?]- Kalamazoo Mi
    four words that sum you up]- Crazy, poor, whipped, and horny

    -describe:-
    your wallet]- Empty
    your everyday jewelery]- Jewelry is for chicks.
    your pillow cover]- Usually covered in drool from the previous night's slumber.
    your coffee cup]- I drink coffee in regular glasses, mugs are too small.
    your shoes]- 14$ Walmart shoes.
    your cologne/perfume]- Whatever's handy.
    the CD in your stereo right now]- KMFDM - Nihil
    the clothes that you're wearing now]- Fucking Burger King uniform.
    your hair]- Usually non-existant.
    some of your favorite movies]- FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS.... Milo and Otis
    something you're looking forward to]- Pussy.
    the last thing you ate]- Your mother.
    something that you are deathly afraid of]- Earwigs. Those creepy fuckers.
    your best friend]- Samantha. <3 (she's here with me, normally I'd say whoever's easy. :P)

    physical] - Typical kraut. Pasty, broad shoulders, beer gut. (what's left of it)
    personality] Batshit, cynical, crude, funny (again samantha) I know I'm fucking hilarious, just usually not when I intend to be.
    your boyfriend/girlfriend]- Um. Kinda complicated.
    -do you:-
    like incense?]- NAG CHAMPA FOR GREAT JUSTICE.
    believe in love?]- Occaisonally.
    believe in soulmates?]- No.
    believe in love at first sight?]- Nope.
    believe in forgiveness?]- Forgive, but don't forget.
    smoke?]- DRUGS ARE FUN.
    do drugs?]- ^_^
    sleep with stuffed animals?]- Not anymore. The fact that I have a bed at all is somewhat miraculous.
    read the newspaper?]- Fuck no.
    believe in miracles?]- See -^
    believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?]- Depends if alcohol is involved. But usually... no.
    like the taste of alcohol?]- <3! But never again, goddamnit.
    believe in God?]- He's in my pants. :)
    have any secrets?]- Plenty.
    (I keep getting smacked, bitten, and fondled, usually in no particular order.
    have any pets?]- Not currently.
    go or plan to go to college?]- Been there 3 times. Failed all. Whatever.
    have any piercings?]- Nope
    have any tattoos?]- Not yet.
    hate yourself?]- Not anymore. I'm the shit. Poor and homeless... but the shit none the less.
    trust others easily?]- No. Trust equates to vulnerability.
    like sarcasm?]- It's my calling in life.
    like to take walks in the rain?]- Fuck yeah.
    have any scars?]- Countless.
    -when's the last time that:-
    you cried]- February 14th. Worst day of my life.
    you bought something]- Bag of tobacco, 1.09 out the door, nugga.
    you got sick]- Sick now, I'm -always- fucking sick. My immune system must have been bought at goodwill.
    you sang]- I don't sing. I suck at singing. I have a range of about... 1/2 an octave.
    you ate]- About 1pm, had 1/3 of a burger.
    you've been kissed]- About 5 minutes ago. :P
    you've felt stupid]- Shit, very rarely. I know I'm smart, I just -act- stupid for my own amusement.
    you wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't]- Sex ist eine schlaght, Liebe ist krieg. >:)
    you met someone new]- I work in drivethru at fucking Burger King, I see new people every goddamn day.
    you moved on]- Moved onto what?
    you talked to an ex]- The masses of angry women refuse to speak to me. :/
    you missed an ex]- Hah.
    you talked to someone you have a crush on]- What the fuck is this, highschool?
    you had a serious talk]- Srs? nvr.
    Any last words?]- "Life sucks. Wear a hat."

    So yeah, that killed a little time. Fuck you. :)
    Saturday, April 8th, 2006
    4:12 pm
    Regret is not an emotion I favor, let alone feel often. I know that in truth I'm what you'd call a bad person. Bad is a simple word, but the directness of these words are sometimes the most concise, or all encompassing.

    I'm genuinely indifferent to the feelings of most people I know. I often think the trauma I was exposed to as a child is what made me so apathetic. Fear of being hurt again by loved ones made me a loner for quite some time, and then when I met Zach I actually found someone I could trust.

    Quite naturally I fucked it up to every possible extent in due time. I'm not perfect, nor do I ever aspire to be anything close to the idea. I like to use drugs, sleep around, and serve myself before anyone.

    Sometimes I think I lie so much just because of the challenge of maintaining the facade. Life is often tedious and non-stimulating to an almost banal degree. Now suppose you start casually flinging bullshit around. It spices things up a bit. Having to perpetuate the absurdities amongst the known ones makes for an interesting lifestyle.

    Having given it up, I find it difficult to differentiate between truth and fiction. And once again I am shown just how irrelevant the two are.

    People believe you if they -want- to. Truth or lie, they accept or refuse both depending on their upbringing, being naive, or just sheer ignorance. I can spin a yarn of tales so convincing I have people who have known me for years accepting -everything-. Ironic. What I've actually done with my life is far more interesting in my opinion, than any crap I may have spread around in my time.

    Whatever. So what? The almost obsessive need for "truth" is bullshit. I admit I adore history, but I realize the fact that the victorious write the stories we rather meekly accept as fact. Not to mention glossing over the uncomfortable realities of how we came to our land, power, wealth, and what have you.

    Never mind we tortured, raped, wrote bogus treaties, and generally dehumanized the native american. Who fucking cares? We're here now. Fuck them.

    But the petty and shallow who gleefully devour every propaganda piece of bullshit from the news have the gall to call the Iraqis evil. They say terrorists aren't worth having life, fair trials, or whatever buzzword is on the media lips these days.

    I sicken and grow weary of all of it. These days I escape by reading books and figuring out what kind of relationship I may have with the current female. Not so much of the latter. It's not often on my mind. Base animal desires first and foremost, of course. But without alcohol and marijuana my life is pathetically empty. It was before sobriety as well, but I didn't give a fuck then. Nor do I now, I just accept the fact that I am a failure on many accounts.

    I still have my pride, intellect, and rage. Which many lack to some degree. Slinging burgers? Whatever, monetary gain is a moot point for those obsessed with material goods to fill the holes in their lives. Sure that's the verbal cop-out of a poor man. But whatever, it's what I think.

    What sucks about being so smart is knowing the expectations of others, immediately caring about what they think, analyzing the fact that to need that approval is a basic human function, dealing with the conscious recognition of how sorry that need is, and above all... the fact that all these thought processes are occurring in a wet-wire network of electrical impulses and meat which will eventually die and be no more. Makes it all seem rather irrelevant, doesn't it?

    So what to do? I don't know. I refuse to fuck up so badly again, that's for sure. I won't place trust in others ever again. Enjoy their company? Sure. Savor the interaction and intellectual discourse pertaining thereto? Indubitably.

    ^- This is from yesterday, got booted off. Thank the gods for auto-save.

    Back from a 10-4 shift. Greasy and in horrible need of a shower. And once again I have some infection. I wonder if I have HIV or something of that sort. I'm -always- getting infections. My diet is a hell of a lot better now, mainly veggies and fruits instead of junk food.

    I don't feel like writing at the moment, and yesterdays rambling seem to fill the need to babble.
    Thursday, March 30th, 2006
    7:06 pm
    Bored/Ranting.
     So once again, I write expecting no one to read this in its' entirety.

    Such is life.

    Having worked 7-3pm at the salt mine, slinging fat and ketchup at the masses of elderly couples and bitchy soccer moms... it's nice to sit down and chill. I'm fucking sick as a dog at the moment, what fun.

    Chronic cough, runny nose, and the incessant hiccups following opiate abuse. Whatever. I quit drinking and can't afford cannabis, not to mention smoking a cigg at the moment causes agony to course through my lungs. I think I'll quit for awhile, the habit it far too expensive.

    I need a hobby other than reading, fooling around with girls, and wandering the downtown streets seeking temporary distractions from the bustle of the city.

    Ugh, just blew a great gob of snot into my hand and wiped it on my khakis. Amused by the stares of the patrons in the library, I just grin at them and make lewd tongue gestures. Christ, I love being an asshole.

    I always make vague promises to better myself, but fuck that. I want to have fun, damn the consequences. I'll only live once. Do I honestly give a fuck what people think or feel? I think I'm egocentric to such an extreme because I used to be so insecure such a short time ago. My callous front actually became my personality.

    I'll lie if it suits me. Steal if I can get away with it. Wreak sheer havoc on anothers' mind and emotional state if I see some positive outcome for me in the near future.

    I've screwed up so much and so often it's almost a way of life, my ethos of existence, as it were.

    Whatever, I'm not entirely amoral... but my life has sucked too much to give a shit about petty sentiment. I'll grin, smile, sell you the package of happy Stan the Funny Man. The spaz, the comic, the wit, the avid reader and slightly "stupid" co-worker; All the while I'm engineering your perception of me. Fuck you. Tool. Am I really too dumb to make sandwiches at a burger joint? Fuck no. Lazy? Damn yeah.

    But my bosses love me, I make them laugh, I do my job when they're looking. I make you the scapegoat. A bastard am I.

    So what? Why strive to be respectable? It's futile. Fuck you. I'm dead in less than a decade. So what if I shoot my brains out in the middle of the woods and let the flies lay eggs in my corpse? Does anyone genuinely care, aside from my parents?

    No. The idea that human life is precious, what a frankly absurd concept. Get over your innate programming to sustain your own kind, it's those very instincts that will doom us all.

    We sit at our little computers, sheltered from actual life. We buy food, we get fat, we fuck and suck the fat off the land... Practically everything is handed to us as long as we follow the rules.

    Cheers to the actual rebels. Rip the system. We've gotten too placid and weak, ignoring the gaping wounds in any society, watching Oprah and masturbating to internet pornography. Get fucked, go scream your racism at the supposed inferiors you nutless pussy. White power? My ass. Your little internet shitbag hatemongering should be punishable by death you spineless fuckstain.

    I wish I could invent something like Captain Tripps superflu and release it to the public, we need a virus to kill off 99.98% of humanity and start over.

    Driving around in our little cars with our little Ipods, attending our little church gatherings with little-minded people. FUCK YOU. I HOPE YOU ALL GET CANCER AND DIE IN PAIN. STOP BREEDING.

    -- You scoff at me for being a junkie? I abuse drugs to forget just how sorry of a world I fucking live in! I want to escape CNN, the lies, the murder, the rape of nature, all of it. Eat shit and die you tofu sucking idiots. Eat red meat. We're animals, we shit, we piss, we mate and leave bad smells on the sheets.--

    So what now? Where do I go from here? Nowhere. Work, save money, get laid as often as possible. If I weren't such a pussy I'd deliberately get AIDS and spread it to as many people as possible. Give nature a helping hand. It's not the bubonic plague but it's the next best thing.

    Hah, even medicated I'm just as pissed off as I always was, just now instead of killing myself I want to kill everyone else.

    Charming.
    Wednesday, March 29th, 2006
    8:01 pm
    Hey guys.
     Go ahead and check out my State ID picture on my myspace. I look like either a simple farm-hand, or an addled rapist.

    Seriously.

    http://www.myspace.com/schweinstein
    Saturday, March 18th, 2006
    10:23 am
    Idle rambling.
     When I'm laying in bed at night I have the most (I'd like to think at least...) profound thoughts and marked streams of consciousness, but I don't have a way that's easy as a keyboard (or markedly more legible for that matter) available to me where I'm staying. (petty bitching, I know)

    A girl I'm somewhat seeing at the moment is presenting quite the conundrum. I don't feel like a man unless there's a woman in my life to some extent. However the damages done to my ego and super-ego from the last *relationship* I was in are still bleeding and the scar tissues have truly yet to form. Not to mention sex with this girl may have lasting consequences. I pride myself on my prowess in the bedroom and whatnot, yet I'm not sure I want to wholly commit myself to anyone... let alone this particular female.

    The medications I'm on make my libido near zilch as it is, and now I'm nearly terrified of women to the point of self-preserving indifference to the whole subject. I need a break. I need to resharpen the intellectual pencil of my mind, assuming I haven't irrevocably damaged it with cannabis and booze. I can actually note a difference in the way my mind associates words, memories, and ideas to my hands and mouth from say, 3 years ago. I've gone from a quick-fire cynic who could decimate scores of internet shitbags with wit and sarcasm... to someone struggling to spell words properly and format a reasonably formed sentence.

    Had I known the effects would be so pronounced and distinct, I'd never have abused to the excess that I did. Sure I knew weed fried your brain, but I suppose I didn't care at the time.

    Hrm, on to something else. Let's see if this addled mind can recall some of it's previous bullshit.

    Well let us see. Pause. A break in the mindstream, I note the fellow patrons of the library, tapping away and murmuring to fellow classmates or sweethearts. Disconnected, it's as if I'm here yet not quite. I'm on the same book but each life is just a page. (yeah I know this is stolen, but it applies, and all being a scholar truly is these days is knowing when to regurgitate someone else's ruminations) I suppose this jaded sense of separation from the community whole is what they call growing up. Strange, I still feel like a fucking little kid around the big boys, but my front wouldn't indicate such... and the stream of lies and smiling malice I'm capable of come now out of habit more than actual heartfelt emotion of desire.

    Ironic. I wish to become a "respectable" person, but my old habits of cruelty and deceit are rooted deep. I don't know how to act around people. I'm sober (well, not totally, but fuck you, I'm a retiring junkie, if you haven't been there... suck out my farts and die) now. I've forgotten how to be a real person, so used to the fraudulent and old ways it takes honest *hah* effort to show what I feel and think.

    Instead of the usual "Right on." response to practically EVERYTHING said to me, I'm trying to become more involved in the daily drama of life, out of boredom if nothing else. Christ, I cannot shake the feeling that everything I say is some brass cliche used by every other fuck with half a mind and a pen (mine being electrical, obviously) with which to write.

    Ah, the sublime struggle for individualism amongst a sea of different and beautiful fishes. One of the paradigm changes I'm forcing upon myself is to appreciate -everything- and try and understand why they do what they do, how they go about it; and the possible causes for their current mindset as well as the way I react to them initially, in retrospect, and then in memory.

    Fuck me, the only words I can truly claim as my own are when I forget for that fleeting second what a truly sorry fuck of a lifestain I am. Not out of masturbatory self-accusation, (guilt is sweet, the finest liquor has no compare) do I say this, but a bitter realization that I have recently turned 23, I'm homeless, a junkie, and my mind is a bit frayed around the edges, and yet I WILL STILL BE LEAPS AND BOUNDS SMARTER THAN MY PEERS.

    Will I ever get over my own ego? Doubt it, becoming a humble person is the hardest damn thing I've yet to attempt. But I say fuck humility, take pride in what you do, where you are in your life, scholastics, athletics, BE PROUD. Fuck absolving your accomplishments to God. He created cancer. FUCK JESUS. I may be more "spiritual" as it were, but AA is just re-igniting my fires of rage for totalitarian religion. I see these old men, 25+ years sober, but I can almost smell the shit they've replaced their addiction with.

    They come to the meetings giddy with delight at the fact they can yell at the newcomers, about how "Cunning, crafty, and Menacing" or what the fuck ever, alcohol is. They love being the martyr. AA isn't about sobriety at the one I'm attending, it's highschool drama motherfucking bullshit combined with a homophobic atmosphere... (Having said that, I don't see much difference between the two)

    I see these fucking college pukes who almost... Fuck what's the word. This is what I'm talking about with the weed damage. I should know it. Prostrate. Yes.

    I see these fucking college pukes who almost prostrate themselves at the community tables, thanking their lord and savior Jesus H. Christ for their whole 2 years of sobriety, when I fucking smell the whiskey on their breath.

    What goes on in their mind? Are they still so plagued by addiction that they feel no guilt for being that false? Fuck knows I've been there countless times.

    Do they feel shame, guilt, resentment, or rage?

    I think this is enough, my right hand is still pretty fucked up, and this is perfect exercise to keep the hand away from atrophy... the mind as well I suppose. But with no one to communicate with, I suppose I'm just the same as the crazy man in the solitary cell, speaking only to phantoms he can see.

    Insanity isn't so bad.

    Current Mood: Derisive and contemplative.
    Current Music: Meshuggah - I
    10:22 am
    Oh the hilarity.
     OnlineBuddy: yeah?
    GottRammstein: Man I am so pissed
    OnlineBuddy: what's up?
    GottRammstein: So im beating off to fuskered porn, been awhile, right?
    OnlineBuddy: yeah
    GottRammstein: Okay, hot chick... cool cool, unf, oh shit.
    GottRammstein: OH SHIT ITS A MAN
    GottRammstein: *cum*
    OnlineBuddy: ...
    OnlineBuddy: lmao
    OnlineBuddy: haha
    GottRammstein: OH GODDAMNIT
    GottRammstein: Yeah
    GottRammstein: I thought that was hilarious and had to share it with someone
    OnlineBuddy: lol
    GottRammstein: Madness
    OnlineBuddy: yeah
    GottRammstein: I just thought that was pretty funny Im all "Oh no! Splurt!"
    GottRammstein: *instant sexual identity crisis*
    OnlineBuddy: haha you came right after you realized it was a man
    OnlineBuddy: that's great
    OnlineBuddy: ...
    GottRammstein: >_<
    OnlineBuddy: faggot.
    GottRammstein: Fuck you
    GottRammstein: XD
    OnlineBuddy: lol
    Monday, March 13th, 2006
    4:16 pm
    I wish I could end someones life without consequence or feelings of guilt.

    The shitbag that almost hit me with a car? Explode their SUV in a fiery inferno of motor oil and gasoline, savoring the screams of the innocent children burning alive.

    The broad at the cash register that gave me incorrect change? I'd love nothing more than to whip out a .22 and shoot her dead between the eyes, splattering the gooey gray brain matter all over the backside of whatever soon-to-be-departed bluehair behind her, and relish the screams of her now failing heart.

    I am a basic and carnal animal taking savage delight in the misery of others. Imagine if you will, when some jerk cuts you off in traffic, causing you to slam on the breaks. In fear for your life
    , adrenaline pumping, don't with want nothing more to step out of the vehicle, grab the cellphone yakking cunt by the hair. Stomp her face into the pavement with a sadistic and malicious glee, until all that remains is something resembling cat-food that once conveyed electrical impulses and semi-cognizant thought processes?

    Do you not want to exert your animalistic and savage impulses once more, to savor the primal and carnal glee or dominating your enemy, your opposition, your pseudo-antithesis to the extreme point that nothing remains but a corpse or corpses.

    I have empathy, remorse, guilt, and happiness. But I view them as burdens, weights holding me down. I wish I could have joined the armed forces, simple for the ability to kill. To rend life, to brutalize that which the church so aptly calls "sacred". (never mind war in the name of god is perfectly acceptable and to all fucking hell with the 10 commandments). We can rape in the name of war, pillage, plunder, commit atrocities innumerable simple to spread the good Lord's name.

    I mean for God motherfucking's sake, look what we did to the native americas. Fuck me, we stole their land, raped their women by the score, forced them on death marches so brutal that corporate america glosses over the face that we fed them small pox and lord knows what else. MANIFEST DESTINY you soulless unforgiving cunts. I wish we could go back and arm the natives with fucking cannons. Sink the Mayflower, The Nina, and The Santa Maria with 200 caliber missiles and let those buckle-wearing fucks sink into the deep not knowing the terrors they'd have visited to the well-meaning, and good natured Indians.

    I wish I could develop a disease to entirely wipe out civilization in it's entirety. We have failed as a race, as an entire intelligentsia, as a theocracy, and as a whole. I'd wipe the earth clean of our malice and self-hatred. So we donated money to africa? Why, for the hopes of cheaper materials and labor. Can't have all the niggers dying from AIDS, who the fuck would we get the diamonds from? The magnesium, the rich coal deposits, the countless medicines from the jungle?

    The rich milk the poor to death. DONATE MONEY TO SAVE THE NIGGER BABIES? Yeah, guess the fuck what? They don't see but a fraction of a cent of that 20 dollars you donate. Most of it goes to warlords.

    Not to mention the genocides going on in whatever fucking pisshole of a nation those negroids call it these days. I'll dig up a link for you CC loving motherfuckers to show you exactly just what the fuck is going on in the "civilized world".

    AFRICA.

    http://www.ogrish.com/archives/2005/december/ogrish-dot-com-rwanda_massacre8.jpg

    http://www.ogrish.com/archives/2005/december/ogrish-dot-com-rwanda_massacre10.jpg YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY GOD IS DEAD? WE KILLED HIM, YOU APATHETIC MOTHERFUCKERS.

    Do you know what necklacing is? You fill a tire with gasoline, put the victims head inside, and then set it on fire.
    http://www.ogrish.com/archives/2005/november/ogrish-dot-com-necklacing_execution3.jpg

    And let's not fucking forget Kosovo. Keep in mind the female victims were so brutally raped out of 100 having taken their photographs, not ONE, NOT ONE FUCKING WOMAN could look at the camera.

    http://www.ogrish.com/archives/2004/may/OGRISH-dot-com-1-11939.jpg

    If you sleep well at night, I hope the sandman maces your eyes and murders your family
    NORTH KOREA.
    http://www.ogrish.com/archives/2004/july/OGRISH-dot-com-cb.jpg

    I'll edit this shit and give you graphic images of just how lucky we are to live in an over budget shithole we call the United States of America.

    Land of the Free my motherfucking ass. Land of Rape and Honey, I say. I'd join the military just to put and end to the unending atrocities that occur daily worldwide.

    Cast down the Nazis if you will, keep in mind the US settlers wiped out NINETY-EIGHT FUCKING PERCENT OF THE NATIVE RACE. NINETY-FUCKING-EIGHT.

    I hope you puke in your sleep and choke to death on the bile.

    Current Mood: Apopleptic
    3:28 pm
    I wish I could end someones life without consequence or feelings of guilt.

    The shitbag that almost hit me with a car? Explode their SUV in a fiery inferno of motor oil and gasoline, savoring the screams of the innocent children burning alive.

    The broad at the cash register that gave me incorrect change? I'd love nothing more than to whip out a .22 and shoot her dead between the eyes, splattering the gooey gray brain matter all over the backside of whatever soon-to-be-departed bluehair behind her, and relish the screams of her now failing heart.

    I am a basic and carnal animal taking savage delight in the misery of others. Imagine if you will, when some jerk cuts you off in traffic, causing you to slam on the breaks. In fear for your life, adrenaline pumping, don't with want nothing more to step out of the vehicle, grab the cellphone yakking cunt by the hair. Stomp her face into the pavement with a sadistic and malicious glee, until all that remains is something resembling cat-food that once conveyed electrical impulses and semi-cognizant thought processes?

    Do you not want to exert your animalistic and savage impulses once more, to savor the primal and carnal glee or dominating your enemy, your opposition, your pseudo-antithesis to the extreme point that nothing remains but a corpse or corpses.

    I have empathy, remorse, guilt, and happiness. But I view them as burdens, weights holding me down. I wish I could have joined the armed forces, simple for the ability to kill. To rend life, to brutalize that which the church so aptly calls "sacred". (never mind war in the name of god is perfectly acceptable and to all fucking hell with the 10 commandments). We can rape in the name of war, pillage, plunder, commit atrocities innumerable simple to spread the good Lord's name.

    I mean for God motherfucking's sake, look what we did to the native americas. Fuck me, we stole their land, raped their women by the score, forced them on death marches so brutal that corporate america glosses over the face that we fed them small pox and lord knows what else. MANIFEST DESTINY you soulless unforgiving cunts. I wish we could go back and arm the natives with fucking cannons. Sink the Mayflower, The Nina, and The Santa Maria with 200 caliber missiles and let those buckle-wearing fucks sink into the deep not knowing the terrors they'd have visited to the well-meaning, and good natured Indians.

    I wish I could develop a disease to entirely wipe out civilization in it's entirety. We have failed as a race, as an entire intelligentsia, as a theocracy, and as a whole. I'd wipe the earth clean of our malice and self-hatred. So we donated money to africa? Why, for the hopes of cheaper materials and labor. Can't have all the niggers dying from AIDS, who the fuck would we get the diamonds from? The magnesium, the rich coal deposits, the countless medicines from the jungle?

    The rich milk the poor to death. DONATE MONEY TO SAVE THE NIGGER BABIES? Yeah, guess the fuck what? They don't see but a fraction of a cent of that 20 dollars you donate. Most of it goes to warlords.

    Not to mention the genocides going on in whatever fucking pisshole of a nation those negroids call it these days. I'll dig up a link for you CC loving motherfuckers to show you exactly just what the fuck is going on in the "civilized world".

    AFRICA.

    NORTH KOREA.

    I'll edit this shit and give you graphic images of just how lucky we are to live in an over budget shithole we call the United States of America.
    Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
    10:21 am
    Bitching.
     Man, I hate black people...

    Well, mostly everyone. Especially in fast food.

    Customers. Too fucking stupid and lazy to read the menu. "How much is ***?"

    Fuck you asshole, read the damn sign.

    Now as for the co-workers, these toothless obese fuckers all bitch, moan, and mock the "stupid customers" for not knowing exactly what any given sandwich contains. "EARTH TO WORTHLESS FUCK, THESE PEOPLE DON'T BASE THEIR JOBS ON PUTTING MAYONNAISE ON A PIECE OF STALE BREAD. THESE ARE SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE."

    So grow the fuck up you American Idol loving bags of shit, I don't care if you're having a bad day. I don't care if the boss yelled at you. It's because you're so damn worthless you can't even handle assembling food products when there are signs all over the kitchen give specific instructions as just how to do so.

    Now, back to black people. They sound mentally handicapped over the headset. "Can-ah-git-UUUUHHHHHHHHHHH-" (no joke, they sound like fucking terminally retarded drooling idiots, it's rather sad, the white man bred them for work, not enunciation, it would seem)"-UUUHHHH-two-baggun-dubba-cheezbuggaz?"

    And then the same negroids will be the ones trying to run change scams as well. Who the fucking hell tries to scam someone for $1.50? Christ, go back to panhandling you pieces of shit. Sell crack. Find your roots.

    Essentially, the only people we sell the poison to are the elderly too addled or indifferent to the lard they're ingesting, or the dumbfucks of the world too lazy to go home and cook a healthy meal. I don't eat any of the shit we serve, it's disgusting to the core.

    We let the food sit out in the air for 8 hours. The mayo turns yellow, we serve it anyways. Something falls on the floor? I've had 3 managers say "5 second rule." and pick it up and feed it to the unsuspecting masses. Revolting. I'll stick to baby carrots and granola bars.

    Sobriety is turning me into an even more bitter and angry fuck because now I have to constantly deal with just how pissed off I am. No giddy inebriation, no sweet black oblivion canceling out all the petty irrelevant bullshit I seem to so love obsessing over, and last but not least none of the parties and social life I so loved just a short time ago.

    I think I'll crawl back into my books from now on. People generally disgust me, with the rare exception and old friends making themselves available once again. I'm losing whatever booze inducing jocularity I once had at an alarming rate. I know I'm gonna be a 30 year-old factory rat that goes to the library 5 times a week just so I can keep myself occupied until I die.

    Television is rot. People suck. Being social just makes me want to drink and attempt that beautiful high "just one more time." I know if I do, I'll wind up hospitalized again, and most likely incarcerated.

    I keep deluding myself that I'll actually amount to something in this life, having pissed away all the opportunities. My last hope is to settle down with someone I care about and attempt the family life, being another cog in the war-machine of America. Assuming I don't lose it all over again just for the fuck of it.

    I know I'm bipolar and on a low swell of the mood swing so I'll just rant a bit until I can see my doctor, whose appointment tomorrow I won't be able to make because I have to work. Doubtless meaning I'll have to wait another 2 months for an appointment.

    Fuck I want to drink.
    Friday, March 3rd, 2006
    1:46 pm
    Christ.
     Man, everyone wants to talk to crazy old Stan these days. I'd figured my rabid tendencies and potty mouth would scare people away. (I'm blatantly ignoring the fact you know I'm just a big softie having a love affair with the F word)

    Anyways, I'm still hiccuping nonstop but yeah,

    1-269-345-1431

    Ask for Stan. If I'm there, I'll yack it up with you.
    Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
    2:56 pm
    Stan, you dumbfuck.
     I'm 23 today.



    Worked 7am-2pm today at Burger King. Silly me ate some candy last night, was up until about 3am.

    Woke up. PUUUUUUUUUUKE!

    *Id like to say FUCK the FUCKING myspace bullshit that makes you type over text. Fucking asinine function if there ever was one*

    Anyways, so I'm walking to the bus stop at 5:30am, BAAAAAAAAAARF! All over the sidewalk.

    Sit down at the terminal, I fucking blow chunks all over the inside of the little seat-house-box-fuck thing.

    So I get on the bus, naturally I get Happy Negro the Bus Driver, acting quite chipper and loud. I keep hiccuping nonstop (still am right now damnit) because I'm allergic to opiates) and trying not to barf on the bus.

    I barely make it to work without puking, second I get off the damn thing, I dry heave until I'm spraying spittle and phelgm all over creation.

    Get into work. Genius me, drinks 3 cups of coffee right off the bat. That stayed down a whole 5 minutes if anything.

    Painted the men's room at Burger King quite nicely.

    Then I think, "Hey, I'm sick, but I can at least drink some water, right?"

    Oooooooooof course not.

    Puked up straight fucking water into the garbage right next to the grill.

    I MAKE YOUR FOOD. DON'T EAT BURGER KING. THEY EMPLOY PEOPLE LIKE ME.

    Anyways, I'm here in the library, hand's fucked, still hiccuping, head's killing me, and I'm queasy as hell. In summation...



    STAN, DO NOT TAKE 1500mg OF HYDROCODONE AND 80mg OF METHADONE IN ONE SITTING. YOU WILL GET VERY SICK
    Saturday, February 25th, 2006
    3:54 pm
    Whoa.
     Had a spiritual kick in the ass.

    Man, holy shit.

    180 turn.

    I'm still opposed to the church and what have you, the blatant hypocrisy, the abuse, the evil.

    But hey, who the fuck am I to judge?

    I'm just a fucking kid. I don't know jackshit.

    But I'm seeing through different eyes now, with the patient assistance of a good shaman.

    I'm still on a kick, and it doesn't have to end. Fuck getting high, I don't need to...

    I don't need to hate myself anymore. I'm hopeful, I have tenative faith that I can serve the greater good by setting a fucking example.

    Piss on the rage, the lies, the self deception, the death... I'm here in the moment, and utterly powerless... humbling myself is fucking hard.

    But whatever, the inner monolouge is poison. All I need will be provided.

    Peace is bliss, and darkness is at every turn, but I'll take the good with the bad.

    Love is hate, hate is love.
    Thursday, February 16th, 2006
    6:29 pm
    Well, holy shit.
     After years of alcohol abuse, rage held in, and utter disregard for the feelings of others... I've finally had to pay my dues.

    I've been kicked out of Zach's house for essentially ruining the building and my friendship with him.

    Then I stayed with Hannah for awhile, fucked that up as well.

    After spending a night in the woods next to a fire I had to build to stay warm, my neck bleeding profusely from an attempted suicide with a broken beer bottle, and essentially hysterical from anger, resentment, self-loathing/recrimination, and total debasement; I went to the only place I could.

    My parents home.

    They fed me some soup, seeing as I hadn't been eating at all. I had lost my job at Qdoba on the 1st of January because I had drank to much the night before and spent the night at Hannah's. No call, no show.

    Sometime after that I went into a drunken fury at Zach's and threw my computer onto the nearby garage out the back door and fractured my right metatarsal by punching an unforgiving wall. His father was decent enough to take me to the hospital, and I haven't seen them since, nor do I ever plan to again.

    Hannah picked me up at the hospital, and let me stay at her place out of general compassion and goodwill. But as usual I destroyed everything once again.

    I stole Zach's "girlfriend" as it were, and I honestly felt guilty. But not enough it would seem.

    After her putting up with my venemous and unfounded jealousy, my psychotic mood swings, and sexual misfires and false starts... the final blow came when 2 of her friends spent the night.


    I'd written some angry letters/suicide notes, and that night she read one of them at her insistence. I'd said some very hurtful things in those notes about her.

    Having promised up and down to not disappoint her with my alcohol induced behaviors, I went and got some beer.

    18 beers later, all three of them crawl into bed, leaving me on the couch. My mind was chaotic. I felt abandoned, enraged, lonely, perversely disgusted, etc.

    I don't recall exactly what happened, but I was insane with anger. After kicking out a windowpane in the apartment hallway, I smashed a beer bottle and began sawing at my throat with it, hoping to cut deep enough to end my life.

    But after the 6th cut and no death, the guy came after me with a table leg and chased me away.

    Next thing I know I'm in a dry creek bed, building a fire to stay warm.

    I walk to my parent's house, they fed me soup, and called the police.

    Firetruck, 2 cop cars, (one of which containing the cop neighbor that lives caddycorner), and an ambulance show up soon after... taking me to the hospital.

    They glued my neck wounds as well as possible, and then after a brief 6 hour wait in the ER, I was shipped off to a psych ward in Grand Rapids.

    I met some of the saddest people in there, human in every way, but one or two critical and crippling areas.

    I won't say names, as I know they won't as well, but goddamn some of the best fucking people on earth were in there.

    Some schizophrenic, some career junkies promising to go to AA for the 10th time, most of them likeable, some not.

    I'm now on Cymbalta for my depression and anger issues, most of which stem from feelings of abandonment as a child from the divorce, my self-perceived inadequacies during elementary and middleschool, and my bitch stepmother and adoptive father.

    He fed me beer when I was 7 and I associated that with the happy memories as child from every visit we had. I could do what I wanted with him, then come home to my mother who loved me, but disciplined me. I resented that, and became a very angry and violent child.

    I haven't progressed since.

    The booze and weed was self medication. A cheap escape. Nothing more.

    I won't say I'll never drink again, but I sure as all fuck intend to.

    It ruined my life. Over and over again.

    I'm currently staying in a very strict halfway house for young men in Kalamazoo. If I fuck up, I'm homeless on the streets. That's motivation.

    I'm sitting in a public library as I type this, thunder and lightning crashing down all around me, with the possibility of a tornado quite imminent. I have a 7 block walk back, the rain coming down in torrents.

    To those I've harmed, I ask no forgiveness, nor expect it ever.

    This closes a chapter in my life riddled with lies, self-aggrandizement, destruction, and malice.

    To those from Forest View reading this, I'm not just the charming cutie who made you laugh and talked patients out of hanging themselves, or the witty intellectual who loved to read books. I have my problems, as do we all. But I am finally now addressing them with the intent to solve/cope/handle them to the best of my ability.

    To the internet "pals", it is surely irrelevant, my life nothing more than a tale to amuse the mind of the jaded online personality most likely a lie a well.

    I'll update more frequently as time permits, but I have my own fucked up mind to fix, drug addictions to cure, and psychosis's innumerable to explore and dissect to my best advantage.

    Should Zach ever read this entry, (dubious) I apologize for ruining your life, taking advantage of you and your family, stealing (I use the term lightly, she's as chronic a liar as I am) your girlfriend, and I never expect to see you again. However I want you to succeed where I have to totally failed.

    Be something man. Go back to school. Pursue your love of music. Don't be a restruant schmuck escaping life's maladies with substances. It stops working eventually.

    I see a therapist tommorow to get on Medicaid, and discover the local AA and NA meeting grounds, which I will attend daily for at least 2 years, should my work schedule permit it.

    Never again. I'm sick of being a hurt child hiding behind the front of a sarcastic and callous man.
    Thursday, December 29th, 2005
    1:37 am
    Utter desolation and madness.

    The carefree and banaly nihilistic way of my existence is starting to impede me.

    I fall in love. Holy shit, I'm totally worthless. Balls.

    But we'll see what happens. It's 1:30am, using Z's lappy. Stoned as hell and alone for once. The past 2 months have been total chaos.

    Zach is jobless, we owe in excess of 1400 in bills, 400 of which is for electric... I'm working every day this week at Qdogballs....


    He got canned for screaming at his total cuntface boss bitchqueen demonspawn whore of a supervisor. I went to school with this piggy eyed lardass, I know her ways.

    By the way, at work today all 5 of the chicks I closed with today said I was "Built and totally hot." Go me. I make seven bucks an hour to totally bust my motherfucking ass putting rice, beans, and meat on a fucking tortilla. Whoo...

    Later cats.
    Tuesday, November 8th, 2005
    3:36 pm
    The ravings of a madman.
     Monday, Nov 07

    ...[READ ALL OF THIS]...

    Buddy of mine at work needed some purchases made since he is not yet on the same particular pier of legal recognition that society deems either an "adult" or "minor".

    (bear with me, rum an other funstuffs are kicking in at the moment)

    Moving on. We get back with this Patron tequila, he has expensive tastes. Who the holy fuck buys 50$ 5ths of liquor?

    Well the stuff tasted phenomenal, and I daresay that was the finest liquor I've yet to drink. The man gave me 4 shots, "FOUR" of them, Christ. what a solid man, dude's 17 and parties like a motherfucking demon, I love the guy. So 4 shots of tequila. Then this Jillian chick hands me a bottle of some clear Bacardi rum.

    "My mom bought me this and I don't even want it. Go ahead and take this."

    :D

    As I'm happily drinking rum and chasing it with High Life, getting well on my way to fucked up, we go downstairs and watch an Opeth dvd for awhile.

    Time passes.

    The 40 is gone, 3/4 of the Bacardi is in my gut, and four shots of tequila.

    I don't remember anything after Opeth, but apparently I was in "Destructive Drunk Stan" mode. My computer was all over the place, I ripped off what remained of the faceplate and threw it into the hallway, there were scuff marks on the door, (I remember locking myself in my room and kicking the doorknob for a bit) looks like I just grabbed a handful of the miniblinds and ripped it down. The plastic pieces were all over fucking creation. I found some outside for god's sake.

    I also threw the vacuum across the room, and then kicked it, laughing the whole time.

    Zach said, and I quote "You never had a cross look, you were just laughing and breaking everything in sight." And I kicked in a speaker as well.

    Scared the hell out of XXXXXX too, I can't begin to imagine what she thinks about me. Ah, the madness of everyday life.

    It's a fucking marvel in and of itself that my PC is even running. Zach said he saw me put my boot into the computer, more than once and with tremendous force. Me and my goddamn boots when I'm drunk, if something displeases me and it evokes the wrath of Stan, I'll probably kick it really damn hard.

    [I'm stoned and on the way to being drunk, so pardon any nonsensical ramblings if you please. I'm sure at least one terminally bored person will read this, and that justifies (in my mind at least) going through the motions and posting this garbage of the internet.

    I'll get an ISP soon, but I'm having way too much fun getting fucked up every day and killing myself with carcinogens from the utter debauchery that I participate in.

    There's more going on in this shitstorm, but I'm not going to expose all my secrets on this thing. Suffice to say, these are the best goddamn days of my life.

    Life rules.

    Get this shit.

    M 11am-10pm
    T 4pm-10pm
    W 11am-10pm
    T 4pm-10pm
    F 11am-11pm
    S 4pm-11pm
    S JESUS MOTHERFUCK I HAVE A DAY OFF!

    Work hard play hard live hard die hard. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    Oh, and I saw Opeth, I still have a hardon from that show and you should fucking listen to Ghost Reveries.

    I don't care what you listen to. These are instructions that will better your life and the life of your peers. LISTEN TO OPETH. THE ALBUM IS CALLED "GHOST REVERIES". OPETH. It's a fusion of brutal swedish death, some progressive, and then they do shit like -Hours of Wealth- GET THIS SONG, IT IS WORTH THE TRIVIAL CLICKS AND SHITTY DOWNLOAD RATES. GET IT. I'm fucking serious people. This isn't fanboy shit or the arrogance of some callous jackass with a computer. (I am a jackass and callous to boot, but please, I'm serious) This music is motherfucking perfection.

    Get the album, you know where to go.

    Well folks, I miss not being able to talk to you on a regular basis. I plan on fixing this problem with my next paycheck, or possibly the one after that, given the financial situation what with late bills, rent, ciggarettes, booze, self prescribed herbal remidies that help me cope with the tedium of work and lets me escape my existence if only for a short time... and other shit as well.

    Okay. Took a shower. Smoked a square.

    4:30 and I'm wired.

    More shit to talk about.

    Zach's "girlfriend" XXXXXX is awesome. She can outdrink me like I'm a 16 yearold highschool broad. She's an avid reader, I got her into Lovecraft and now she's reading my books. Sharp as a tack and quick witted, gets my obscure jokes every time, and usually whips out a repartee that leaves me in a corner and looking like an idiot, it's marvelous.

    Plus, she tells me I'm a nice person and she likes me. Which does wonders for the ego. The affection between Zach and I is heartfelt but unspoken, we're guys obviously. So we yell "EAT SHIT YOU FUCKING PUKE!" or whatever at each other and call it good.

    But to have someone else tell you you that you're smart and cool or whatever is life affirming and rare as hell.

    If you're friends with someone, just tell them why. People need to be honest and open about shit like that.

    I'm doing just dandy at the moment, booze has worn off already and I'm out of schwag, so I think I'll pass out and wake up for work in five hours.

    Monday again, 10:30pm

    Christ I hate having women cry on my shoulder, all I want to do is start crying with 'em.

    Still Monday? 11:30pm ANGRY

    Another beer run, another "Thanks Stan you're great!", and then everyone goes to bed and fucks and enjoys the sleep of the sated.

    And I'm here trying to kill my liver, typing on a fucking blog.

    I wonder if I'll ever find someone. Ever.

    I suppose I'd be content to fuck whatever comes my way and be happy with that. But I know as a fundamental instinct, if nothing more, (I'm still not sold on this whole Cosmo Hollywood love shit, it's saccharine to the point of nausea.) I'd like a mate and a life partner.

    Sometimes I wish I could just excise specific emotions from my mind.

    Oh shit, waaaait. Yeah. No car, I make burritos for a living, I'm an excessive drinker and have serious anger issues. Plus, my heart's probably going to stop when I'm 30 and assuming I don't die from a staph infection, (I have gone to the hospital FIVE times for serious infections in the past year.) I may make it to the precious age of 30 when I have a near fatal heart attack and overdose the next morning.

    Maybe I should just shoot myself in the fucking head and save everyone the goddamn hassle of taking me places, putting up with my drunk ass, and fuck knows what else.

    Anyone clueless or stupid enough to want to stay with me for more than a night would probably be so horribly revolting that I'd run screaming into the night.

    But whatever. I made my bed and now I have to lay in it, and there's no sense pretending that anyone reads this shit in the first place, so now that I've said my bit once again to a deaf audience, I'll consider that dealing with my problems and drink myself stupid just so I can fucking wake up in the morning broke as hell with nowhere to go but crazy.

    Fucking great. Stay in school. Or you'll end up a fuckup like me. :)

    --

    Well that's some of the poison out of me, here's more.

    Some fucking jackass at work a few days back was yelling at me because I mentioned having a ciggarette and...

    Stupid white black man - "You know you shouldn't smoke, it's really bad for you and costs alot of money."

    :pause:

    stan - "You know you should'nt eat that chicken queso burrito, it has 1200 calories and over 300 grams of pure fat, which will attack your heart FAR worse than me smoking a pack... so yeah, it's bad for you and costs alot of money."

    Dude just stares at me and I leave to get a ciggarette.

    So yeah, you fucking uppity holier than thou shithead bastards, lose the fucking 40lbs hanging off of your ass before you tell me what the fuck is fucking bad for me you xanax popping jesus loving shit for brains motherfucker.

    In other news, women are horribly confusing creatures that should be heavily medicated at all times.

    Seriously. Make up your damn minds about shit and stop fucking with me all the damn time, don't show me your tits and then yell at me for jumping. I will not tolerate that bullshit because it pisses me the fuck off.

    I'm in a vile mood right now, and starting to enjoy it a bit.

    What else, I don't have anything better to do and I'm much too pissed to be sociable upstairs.

    Roomate John is moving out to Ohio in 2 weeks. Now -everything- I hate is in Ohio.

    Man, I'd say what has me in such a bad mood is XXXXX's boyfriend hadn't spoken to her in 10 days, and from what I got through the sobs and tears they're splitting up.

    God I hate it when women (My friends) cry, it fucking kills me inside to the point that I'm essentially a social cripple and I can't even talk. The feeling of utter helplessness and total lack of ability to make the situation any better is agony. Sheer. Absolute. Agony... Desolation, in a word. I mean, I'm Stan, I can make anyone laugh, or at least smile. And to hear and feel that going on is like a knife being slowly twisted in my stomach.

    I can't articulate what goes on in my head when someone I care about is hopelessly crying from emotional pain. I essentially revert back to a primal need to destroy whatever is hurting said person.

    Certain things can't be said online, but I would gladly beat the shit out of a certain person right now.

    Having said that, I do feel a bit better.

    Damn these awful restrictions on my mind, certain urges and forces that abuse my conscious and cause my intellect and higher brain to freak out. Goddamn emotions. I miss being an amoral teenager...

    I still have something of a rancor going, but having bitched, I don't know what to complain about.

    Oh yeah, I know. God. (Christan one only, hindus are all cool and Muslims give CNN something to scare us with. OOOH SCARY ARABS! Forget about Bin Laden! 9-11 was just a springboard to take out all opposition to the USA, COLUMBIA IS NEXT. etc.)

    Okay. Here's my problem. People (doctors, lawyers, chemists, fucking actual people) think there's an invisible, all-powerfull, omnimpotent being that is watching us and judging us.

    Now the apple of knowledge was a temptation sent to total innocents, with no concept of Satan (knowledge, intelligence, the will to rebel and learn. Hail Satan!) and God sat there and let the devil do his work...

    He has the power to create anything, control all, be all, and most likely IS all. (again this is bible talk)

    Why the hell did he give angels all the awesome stuff, powers beyond reason, etc. And we get AIDS. Great. God's a total fucker.

    Now here's how it is. Back in the year dot, a smart man or group of men decided to write a story that would allow a culture to succeed and live somewhat well...

    Don't steal, don't murder ( well war is totally different lol omg <>< ), don't cheat on your spouse, and other codes essential to maintain a certain (aura? I want to say pathos or ethos, I used to know this shit damnit) well, an almost tangible blanket of security in your rather crude society.

    Now of course people fuck up, people -are- fuck ups. So you tell the bishop or pastor what you did wrong, (great way for the kings and cardinals to know if any REALLY bad shit was going down amongst the devout) and if you're really sorry, God say's it's all good and you can sleep at night.

    BREAK THE RULES AND DO NOT WHAT THE CHURCH (The church being a bunch of corrupt shiteyed boyfucking sodomites) SAYS, AND YOU WILL CONDEMN YOURSELF TO ETERNAL AGONY IN A PIT RUN BY SOMEONE CREATED -BY GOD-. HE DOES THE WILL OF GOD, HE IS HIS TOOL. WHAT THE FUCK?

    It's pretty intelligent. Mass manipulation on such a grand scale that it can only be called a religion. Keep the sheep scared and obedient, all is well, put cash in the basket.

    Take something as innately terrifying as death and combine it with the natural curiosity of a human mind, (the world got here because God made it so, don't ask questions, scientists are heretics, the world is flat and obey the church) now promise eternal bliss because we can't PROOOOOOVE that God isn't real because in order to get into this dixieland happy merry-go-fuck you have to have FAITH!!!

    FAITH. ADMITTED IGNORANCE AND BELIEVING ANYWAYS, DESPITE NO SOLID EVIDENCE. THAT IS THE DEFINITION.

    There is -nooooo- difference between the easter bunny and jesus motherfucking christ.

    Rabbits are real, candy is real.

    Jesus was probably real, maybe stuck on a cross, like all the other rebellious hippies back then.

    That's where the smart group of men come together and fabriacte something to oppose the government. They used to persecute Christians in Rome.

    WHY DON'T YOU DUMBSHITS GET IT? WE HAVE GONE TO SPACE. GOD IS NOT IN THE CLOUDS YOU ASININE RETARD. GROW UP.

    --

    And after confessing my utter rage and angst to her, I get a hug, a laugh, an appreciative chat, and I'm right as rainwater.

    Women are fantastic and totally mad. The cause and solution to all my problems.

    2:30am Tuesday morning

    I'm sober and bored. I -have- to be bipolar. I can't help but wonder if I'm smart, or really fucking stupid. And when all is said and done, it doesn't even matter.

    I don't think I'm going to edit what I just wrote either. Pardon the typos and grammatical errors. I'm getting old.

    Back to the god thing, I view god and satan as nothing more as an ethereal and or symbolic personification of man's duality (stolen from Full Metal Jacket, but damn me if it isn't a fine statement) [the dual forces being what man wants and what man must do in order to better himself, when in fact -bettering- onself in the minds eye is entirely dependent on the upbringing and instilled morals during childhood] in the conflicts and internal dialogues of scared and confused people.

    (Sorry folks, I go off on fucking TANGENTS, try and keep up)

    Trying to see things in black and white is a self assuring method of perception that gives one a sense of security, either something IS, or IS NOT. Mankind wants SECURITY, more than anything else. It's a primitive instinct.

    Unfortunately I lack the perception to see so acutely, and everything is just differing shades of grey on what I see as Good and Evil.

    I sit and think of how me, as myself being an intelligent entity separate from my environment, would be different had I not been raised a Christian. The subconscious fear of hell constantly warring with common sense is a serious handicap and I believe the world would be a much happier place if people didn't worry about SPIRITUAL salvation and focused instead on the current world situation and how we're destroying our habitat in every possible way.

    War, famine, starvation, with America sitting on the fat of the land. I'm drinking beer and doing drugs when right now some POW in North Korea is starving to death, praying to a mute god for some release, when all that awaits him is a slow death and an unmarked grave... should he be so lucky.

    Goddamnit, I know I'm intelligent. I talk about this shit to people and I get glassy eyed stares and demands for the television to succor and amuse the idle minds of the flock.

    Society would call this the ravings of a madman, I see it as clarity. Perhaps there isn't a difference.

    And I get infuriated by the people who say "Wow Stan, you're smart. It all sounds like Blah blah blah, to me."

    THESE ARE NOT DIFFICULT CONCEPTS. YOU ARE AN IDIOT AND YOUR VERY EXISTENCE OFFENDS ME TO THE CORE. READ SOME BOOKS YOU DUMB FUCKER.

    3am

    I'm dry as a bone and chainsmoking, trying to speed along the process. Fuck beer, it doesn't get me drunk anymore. I need liquor. And I have a dollar to my name until Friday.

    Life is probably going to get alot better in a few weeks, I'll just ride it out like I always have.

    Oh shit, I have Unisom. Sweet, sweet, vertigo and leaden eyelids.... here I come. G'night people.

    Time to chew some sleeping pills and drift off...
    If you actually sat down and read this, and understood most of it, you're probably Kyuu. :) I miss you, man.
    Friday, October 28th, 2005
    6:31 pm
    Just saw Opeth last night.

    Woke up at 4pm, left for Detroit with Zach and Hannah at some time I don't recall.

    Fireball Ministry and Nevermore fucking suck.

    OPETH UBER ALLES

    Best show I've seen, totally whupped on Ministry.

    The banter from Mikael was hilarious.

    "This next song, is a slow one, so if you want to sit down, get a beer, have a smoke, now's the time."

    *INSANE EARBUSTING GUITAR*

    DELIVERANCE. \m/

    And they played a ton of good shit, nice variety, but mostly metal.

    Life rules.
    Sunday, October 9th, 2005
    9:01 pm
    Jesus tapdancing Christ.

    I'd hoped and prayed that it would get better, if only by a little...

    But no, LJ = whine.

    Stop crying.

    Had I the coding skills, I'd post a picture of a hysterically bawling toddler that just dropped his candy in the dirt.

    Seriously, I read the sobfests on some of my old friends LJ's and holy mother of fucking GOD.

    Go pick up a sport or something, put down the shoujo-ai dickgirl doujins, go meet some people.

    In other news, Halloween is going to -rock-.
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